In case you’ve never seen a Fast and Furious movie before, just imagine you’re playing Mario Kart and someone spilled Ed Hardy wine on the Nintendo.
What’s that? You want to know the plot? Really? I mean… okay. It’s just nobody’s ever wanted to know the plot before. But here goes: In F&F6, famed car terrorist (something only a Trump supporter could fear) Owen Shaw is hospitalized by our rad-racing gang of unlikeable scumbags, much to the ire of his brother, Deckard (JASON “If a ‘T’ Appears in the Middle of a Word, I Won’t Pronounce It” STATHAM), who just so happens to be a rogue CIA killing-machine. Because this presumably has crippled their Kung Fu movie output, the un-deep-fried of the Shaw Brothers swears vengeance on Dominic “My Name Makes Me Sound Like One of the Transformers” Toretto (Person of VINterest DIESEL). To find Shaw before Shaw finds him, Dom has to steal a find-anyone-anywhere computer program (AKA the thing from The Dark Knight that served as a Patriot Act allegory) from a bunch of cyber terrorists (consisting of DJIMON HOUNSOU, TONY JAA, and a bunch of white stunt men, making one wonder from which country they could all possibly originate). Since Shaw shows up pretty much everywhere Dom goes, Dom could save time and just look over his shoulder… but that wouldn’t waste nearly enough screen time.
You’ve seen everything in this movie happen in other movies; but not all at once, multiple times each and for such long stretches; making this thing the porno-equivalent of two-plus hours of money shots. So put on your raincoats ‘cause here CUMS Furious 7!
Featuring: Dru and Megan Brock