Something wonderful has happened.
The public pool has re-opened. Curfew is no longer enforced. Old Mrs. Gibbins no longer keeps a bottle of Jack in the drawer of her teaching desk, nor can she recall why she ever did. What happened to all the weiners in all the library books? The gum under every table? The bite marks on your neighbor’s arms and legs?
Your awful jackass son has been abducted by aliens, and there is no evidence that he ever even existed.
And yet even though your country club membership has been reinstated, your pets have all their hair again, and the plumber’s reign atop your phone’s frequent contacts has finally come to an end, you’re running through the streets screaming his name every day like some self-appointed, self-serving town crier, and you're actually crying, too. Surely you are aware that not every single thing you excrete is a keeper, right? For God's sake, woman! Diplomatic relations with a powerful, space-faring race of intelligent lifeforms are at stake here! Can you not just do the planet a solid and forget about that booger-smearing frog-licker?!
Damn it, we told the aliens you’d be cool; can’t you just be cool??
Features Tristan, Tracy, and Kevin