Ice on Mars
The Lizzie McGuire Movie
In this, Ice on Mars' much anticipated* second movie release after TWILIGHT, we continue our trend of tackling tween tales of truly terrifying tackiness. This time, though (shush, T!) we even went further down the age scale and went for the Hilary Duff vehicle THE LIZZIE McGUIRE MOVIE. Even if you have no children, were born before 1980 and never watch the Disney Channel (like me!) you've probably seen Lizzie memorabilia here and there and wondered, 'WTF? Is that Hannah Montana?' or something similar. Well, get ready to embark upon a magical roller coaster ride of wonder and whimsy!**
You might notice the EXPLICIT CONTENT notice. That's because this riff is VERY dirty. Down and dirty like the dirty dozen, in fact. If this were to be rated on a dirty scale, we would probably clock in at at least a dirty gross. If foul language doesn't bother you and the riff appeals to you, then come along with Lizzie, Gordo, Kate and the voice of the wife on "Family Guy" for a fun-filled, action packed adventure to Rome!***
Also enjoy a short about soap box derbies! Yes, that's right, all Ice on Mars film presentations will from now on feature VOD content in some form or another, whether it be the entire film or a short. That's the plan, at least. Featuring very short, almost, you might call them, "test" host segments. We have no conceit for us to be riffing except that we're riffing. But it's there!
Joining the ubiquitous Michael T Bradley for this filthy outing is Ari Dennis, star of stage and screen.****
As always, we are not in any way supported by NASA, though my mom still likes me (but seriously, Mom, sit this one out).*****
*Hello! This is Michael's transcriber here. It gets really boring doing these things. I keep telling Michael he should put a joke or two in, but NO, he says, "I'm going to make them pay for every single laugh. They can't even have a chortle for free." Then he laughs and sucks down another sixer of Pabst. Anyway, I thought I'd take this opportunity to say hi and let you know I'm single and on the lookout! So, ladies, if you're into WoW and water sports (not the jet ski kind), please respond via email! Rawr! Also, no fatties.
**Okay, so I guess I need to be a little clearer about my requirements from a woman. When I say "no fatties," that doesn't mean, "only do not contact me if you're wheezing and gasping your death rattle from your morbid obesity," that means, if your dress size is a double digit, DON'T INVITE ME OUT! Do you really think I want to see your bovine maw shoveling in food like a steam train? You think that gets me in the mood? IT DOESN'T. Fanfic involving Megan Fox drinking 12 glasses of water in a one-hour period does. If you can't at least come decently close to fulfilling this fantasy, please STAY HOME with your "Desperate Housewives" reruns and your Hostess cupcakes. Thank you.
***Sigh. Look, is it going to take more honesty from me to get all you Fatty McFats to stop trying to hook up with me? Fine. I'm balding, slightly overweight, mid-30s, I have a three and a half inch penis and bladder control like you wouldn't BELIEVE. Why is this so difficult? Are you all retarded? I'm about ready to give up on this iRiff footnotes-as-singles-column method pretty soon if I don't start seeing some results soon.
****Whilst I'm contemplating what to do about the sudden dearth of ANY responses, just a quick note to let you know this IS true, though "star" is perhaps stretching it. She was, however, an extra in a "Halloweentown" movie and "High School Musical."
*****All I have now is this knife and my memories. You bastards. You're all bastards.