Hard to Kill (1990)
There is a traitor in our midst and he compromises the sovereignty of our once great nation. Despite (or perhaps because of) his pathological narcissism, he has allowed himself to be a puppet for Vladimir Putin. If that weren’t enough, he is also accused of countless assaults against women, lies about his awful physique, and has a completely unnatural skin color.
Who else could I be talking about except Steven Seagal? A former movie star & current direct-to-video garbage star, this man is a monster and he must be stopped. And we all know the only way to stop him… is to make fun of one of his movies.
Of all of Seagal’s movies, Hard to Kill is one of them. It stars his then wife/long-term hostage, Kelly LeBrock, who most people remember from the “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” shampoo commercials. (Okay, but can we hate your taste in men?) It also stars the naked Tai Chi guy from Die Hard 2, and he also played Death in Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey. Remember the part where they parody The Seventh Seal by playing Battleship and Twister with the grim reaper? That was pretty fun. What ISN’T fun is Steven Seagal, so let’s just focus on how awful he is.
Watching Hard to Kill with commentary by Drawback Productions is your only hope of saving our glorious land from ruin. (I’m not precisely sure how, but let’s just try it and see.)