Forget everything you know about witches! If you thought they were all old, hook-nosed, wart-covered hags, then boy are you gonna come out looking dumb after The Covenant blows the lid off witchcraft! First off, all witches are dudes—white, douchey, juvenile guys with six-pack abs. Pointy hats are definitely out, and cauldrons? Really? Did you really bring up cauldrons in a serious conversation about witches? O-kay. You reeeally need to watch this movie to try and sweep the cobwebs of ignorance out of your bigot skull. ...What? Did you just ask me if they were too busy flying around on their brooms to do much sweeping? Oh. MY god. Witches fly huge SUVs and drive BMWs. Duh.
Okay, they DO have spells, but it’s not sissy “magic,” it’s The Power. Witches are basically the most powerful dudes you could meet because they’ll just look at you, and the next thing you know, you’re hurling chunks on your best friend. Or you’ve got a spider in your ear. Or they’ll just throw a bubble at you. I’m not explaining it right, but it’s super bad ass.
What? “What HAPPENS in the movie?” Oh. Uh… Well they’re basically just hanging out, being cool and sexy; getting into scraps and…swimming freestyle… There’s a dance number… Um…