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The QuipTracks Zodiac

Tristan Bowersox QuipTracks Zodiac

Way back in time, long before anyone was cool, some Babylonian, who apparently had two extra fingers, divided up the sky along the path of the ecliptic into twelve different areas. He then looked at the stars in each area and made pictures out of them. The traditional zodiac was born.

Lately the science of Astrology has taken a lot of heat just because double blind tests show it has no predictive power. Some people say that this is because the whole idea that planets millions of miles away have a controlling effect on whether an old friend calls you from out of the blue is ludicrous.

To me, that seems like a huge leap of logic. I’m not willing to throw out the firm foundation of an ancient science just because of a bunch of carefully conducted experiments. I think that the problem is just that the signs are hokey and out-dated.

That’s why we at QuipTracks are starting a project to replace the entire zodiac with updated and more relevant signs. We will call the new belt of heaven the QuipTrack Zodiac. (In the spirit of QuipTracks I ask that any time you hear the phrase QuipTrack Zodiac you imagine someone riffing “give a dog a bone”.)

It takes a lot of work to erase one twelfth of the sky and redraw it. So the replacements will be made one at a time according to no fixed schedule and in no particular order. We will first explain the existing sign along with the personality traits of persons born under that sign. We will then provide the replacement.

We hope that when you see the description replacing your birth sign you will change your personality accordingly. This may mean that your lucky color, number, or Spice Girl may change. It is quite likely that that you will have to change careers. Be assured that if the change means that you become incompatible with a loved one, we are willing to work with you in brokering a trade with other people in the same situation.

Your total cooperation in this transition will be appreciated.

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